The Jyte guide to the UK

By 8 nic on October 03, 2007

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8 nic who agreed, says

Bollocks is a swear word. It's not as bad as fuck, but worse than arse.

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8 nic who agreed, says

The Red Arrows are the RAF's aerobatic display team.

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8 nic who agreed, says

George Formby was a comedian from Lancashire in the mid-20th century who played a banjo and sang sentimental or slightly risque tunes. His catchphrase was "Turned out nice again!"

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8 nic who agreed, says

The British seat of Government is called The Palace of Westminster. It comprises the House of Lords, the House of Commons and the Office of the Lord Privy Seal.

The Queen is the ultimate ruler of the UK having discretion to dismiss Parliament and form a new Government. Her practical ability to do so however is very limited.

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4 aims ftw who agreed, says

Oh, I want to help!

nappy = diaper

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8 nic who agreed, says

Please do help!

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8 nic who agreed, says

Pants are the things you wear closest to the skin of your groin. Trousers are worn over pants.

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3 wizardwatson who agreed, says

Do you guys really eat fish out of newspaper?

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8 nic who agreed, says

We used to... but not anymore. The practice was banned about 10 years ago because of health standards.

The paper now routinely used in fish and chips shops is a fairly thick grease proof paper.

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8 nic who agreed, says

Anything you can tell me that I don't know?

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8 nic who agreed, says

You were obviously a very stupid child. Regicide is always an option. That's not as popular a method of becomming King in Britain as many other countries but you could always try it.

We are unlikely to have you though, once we find out what an idiot you were when you were small.

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3 wizardwatson who agreed, says

What is the general British attitudes toward Americans? I'm curious for instance how the Revolutionary war is taught. Like are any of the characters on the American side villainized?

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8 nic who agreed, says

The populace of Britain doesn't like Americans much. I think most Brits would consider a 2nd revolutionary war in America a jolly good thing... as long as it didn't affect any of the holiday resorts.

The American revolutionary war is rarely taught in British schools. Really, we have our own much more interesting history why on earth would be interested in that rather boring little war?

The only time I remember studying America specifically at school was in English (American writers like Steinbeck were in vogue with English teachers, probably because they weren't English) and during study of the Cold War.

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8 nic who agreed, says

@ire, my point being the same as earlier - that we know a ton of stuff about you already because of the very aggresive marketing of your pop culture around the world.

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8 nic who agreed, says

A pub is a place to go and have an alcoholic drink. It is similar to a bar, though we also have bars.

"Pub" is short for Public House which means that the house has a licence to serve alcoholic beverages to the public.

Pubs may serve food as well but very often don't.

The safest kind of pub to drink in is one with very large glass windows. If a pub has intact large glass windows it suggests that people are rarely thrown through them.

If you wish to avoid violence and can't find a pub with intact, large glass windows then the best thing to do is avoid pubs with flat roofs and much smaller windows.

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8 nic who agreed, says

No one in Britain may own a television without buying a licence to receive television from the UK Government.

The money from the licence fee is ring fenced and all goes to support the British Broadcasting Corportation.

Despite this however, the output of the BBC is not considered UK taxpayers property. Instead the BBC operates as a completely separate entity mostly outside of government control.

There is a Board of Governors of the BBC who are appointed by the Prime Minister of Britain. However, the appointment of these Governors is politically sensitive and Prime Ministers are not usually able to install controversial figures.

The BBC does not even subject itself to audit by publically appointed auditors. It claims that the reason for this is that audit by publically appointed auditors (such as the NAO, the National Audit Office) would make it behoven to the Government of the day. This is nonsense because the NAO does not report to the Government of the day but to Parliament (thus making them officers of the people, not the Crown).

It is suggested that the reason the BBC does not submit to public audit is because it is wasteful and negligent with tax payers money.

The BBC Board of Governers is responsible for deciding how much the licence fee should be putting the BBC in the enviable position of a Government Department that can decide how much money it is to get and yet not let anyone know who it's spent.

There are a few claims here about BBC output.

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8 nic who agreed, says

The BBC is not the only "free to air" broadcaster in the UK. There are a bunch of others and bunch more doing digital free to air.

Channel 4 is one interesting broadcaster who exist by Statute. The Law states that one of the commercial broadcasters (ITV, which used to be the only non-BBC broadcaster) pays for 80% of the output of channel 4 with the other 20% coming from advertising.

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6 DeWe who hasn't voted, says

I went to the BBC for lunch today with my dear friend Joan and another friend Gus, whose art you can find here.

We had a lovely meal which wasn't too expensive (probably subsidised by licence payers)and a nice chat. Then they went back to work and I went home.

There are lots of buildings being built in a new development called Westfield on Wood Lane near the BBC. Lots of shops and some flats and a new bus and underground station.

It's all go these days.

ttfn!

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8 nic who agreed, says

I did explain the Palace of Westminster above.

In fairness most UK people have not much idea about that one.

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8 nic who agreed, says

UK people are not citizens, though they are often called so. Because the UK is a monoarchy we are more properly called Subjects.

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3 wizardwatson who agreed, says

Nic, do Briton's love the queen? God save the queen! and all that stuff.

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3 Elihu who agreed, says

The Nth floor in the US is the (N-1)th floor in the UK.

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8 nic who agreed, says

@elihu That's right. The floor on the ground level in the UK is known as the Ground Floor. The floor above that is therefore the first.

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8 nic who agreed, says

@David Watson not so much anymore. The monarchy is still respected quite widely... but the death of the Princess Diana and the monarchys reaction to that sent a blow to that respect. Furthermore the Queen Mother (the only untouchable figure in the monarchy because she had survived the Blitz) is now also dead.

It remains to be seen what will happen to the monarchy on the death of the current Queen. Most suspect the monarchy to survive but in a more bicycling form.

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3 wizardwatson who agreed, says

India has a lot of cultural similarities to UK because of prolongue occupation. Like the N-1 floor thing.

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8 nic who agreed, says

The Parliamentry system works like this. There are 2 houses of Parliament: the House of Lords which includes Peers of the Realm (people appointed by the Queen - or effectively the Prime Minister for life) and the House of Commons which includes Members of Parliament, commoners elected by the populace of a particular Constituency.

A Constituency is a geographical area of maybe 30,000 people but they can vary wildly in size with many constituencies in Scotland being occupied only by a few stray sheep (that is a joke).

Members of Parliament are normally elected in a General (country wide) Election to serve for the period of a Government.

Members of Parliament are normally (but by no means always) also members of a particular political party. For example, the Conservative, Liberal Democrat or Labour party.

The party with the most Members of Parliament (or seats) in a General Election is declared the winner. This is often called First Past the Post.

By convention the leader (who must be a Member of Parliament as well, normally an elected member of the House of Commons) of the party with the most seats is invited by the Monarch to an audience where the Monarch will ask the leader if they wish to try to form a Government. The leader will then go away and apoint ministers and what not.

Important Ministers are all normally also Members of Parliament (House of Commons) though there is nothing to stop Ministers from being peers.

Peers may NOT be Commons members.

Commons members are given the official title "the Right Hounourable".

The House of Commons and the House of Lords are the bodies of their respective members but they are also the debating chambers themselves where the members sit on benches directly opposite each other.

Laws (called Bills until they are passed) are proposed and voted on by either house but must pass through both houses and various committee stages before finally being presented to the monarch for approval (or denial).

A male UK Monarch uses the Norman period French phrases "Le Roy Le Veult" to agree with a bill and "Le Roy S'Avisera" (the King will think about it) to sign bills (I don't know what the female equivalents are).

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8 nic who agreed, says

There are cricket hooligans. A crowd of supporters who follow the english cricket team is called "The Barmy Army".

They aren't usually as randomly violent though as football supporters.

Football violence isn't anywhere near as bad in Britain now as it is in the rest of Europe. Mostly it is confined to the lower leagues.

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8 nic who agreed, says

I can introduce some to you. This will reduce the gayness impression. Especially if you voice your concerns to the party of the third part.

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6 DeWe who hasn't voted, says

In the punk era of the late 70's, the term "Barmy army" was coined in a song by Wattie of "The Exploited", I believe.

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3 wizardwatson who agreed, says

And football in UK is soccer in US.

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6 DeWe who hasn't voted, says

All the pretty provincial towns in the UK are being bought by wealthy people who just sleep in them and don't become members of the community. In fact, there's very little community left.

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8 nic who agreed, says

Community, Anywhere in fact. Except in the grim north,

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8 nic who agreed, says

Tungsten Carbide!

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6 DeWe who hasn't voted, says

In the north, the people are generally nicer than in the south, except in Yorkshire, where they're nice and mean at the same time.

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8 nic who agreed, says

There are 4 major sports in the UK:

- Association Football is the most popular, Americans and other peoples of the world call this soccer. Most people have some understanding of this sport though the finer points (such as the offside rule) are often misunderstood by many people

- Rugby Union a form of Rugby which until quite recently was exclusively for amateurs but is now a professional game

- Rugby League a professional form of Rugby based mostly in the north of England

All the above are traditionally winter games though Rugby League is at the moment played during the warmer months and Football runs for so long it practically has no break.

- Cricket a most unusual sport that is worth a "Jyte guide to..." all on it's own. Few people even in the UK understand all the subtleties of cricket. It remains popular in part because of the influx of Asian people's from the former empire and beyond for whom cricket is often the most important sport.

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6 DeWe who hasn't voted, says

Despite the obvious inversion it's true to form.

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8 nic who agreed, says

In the North the people are generally a lot nosier than they are in the South where people tend to mind their own business in their more expensive houses.

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6 DeWe who hasn't voted, says

Mornington Crescent is more meaningful and easy to understand than Cricket.

here

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6 DeWe who hasn't voted, says

People in the south are just as suspicious of oneanother as those in the north but tend to be more devious and money oriented.

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8 nic who agreed, says

Most English people think they are funny and try to be funny a lot.

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6 DeWe who hasn't voted, says

Not sure: it's futebol in Brasil and Fitbah in Scotland.

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6 DeWe who hasn't voted, says

Most English people are terribly uptight and insecure.

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8 nic who agreed, says

@Patrick, South Americans call it Soccer I believe.

They might call it that in Asia too.

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8 nic who agreed, says

@dewexdewex is wrong. Most english people aren't that way. Most english people are almost unbearably arrogant.

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8 nic who agreed, says

@roly indeed. It's quite normal I think.

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6 DeWe who hasn't voted, says

Most areas of English cities are racially and ethnically mixed and the incidence of monocultural ghettos is small.

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6 DeWe who hasn't voted, says

uptight, insecure, arrogant and contradictorily paradoxical.

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6 DeWe who hasn't voted, says

And eccentic at times.

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8 nic who agreed, says

The British are remarkably good at accepting new people's into Britain despite having a very firm view of themselves and outsiders.

There are large numbers of people from the West Indies and Asia in Britain, particularly in Britain's cities but racism is not a huge issue (it's a big issue certainly... but not a huge one).

This could be because the people Britons hate most of all is not the indians or the pakistanis or the west indians or the irish or the jews but the French.

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3 wizardwatson who agreed, says

Lagaan is a good movie about cricket.

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8 nic who agreed, says

The Germans are very like the British. Except for one thing. The British tend to win the major wars.

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6 DeWe who hasn't voted, says

FAR FROM CRAZY PAVEMENTS

...THE TASTE OF SILVER SPOONS

A CLINICAL ARRANGEMENT

...ON A DIRTY AFTERNOON

WHERE THE FECAL GERMS OF MR. FREUD

...ARE RENDERED OBSOLETE

THE LEGAL TERM IS NULL AND VOID

IN THE CASE OF... BEASLEY STREET

IN THE CHEAP SEATS WHERE MURDER BREEDS

SOMEBODY IS OUT OF BREATH

SLEEP IS A LUXURY THEY DON'T NEED

...A SNEAK PREVIEW OF DEATH

BELLADONNA IS YOUR FLOWER

MANSLAUGHTER YOUR MEAT

SPEND A YEAR IN A COUPLE OF HOURS

ON THE EDGE OF BEASLEY STREET

WHERE THE ACTION ISN'T

THAT'S WHERE IT IS

STATE YOUR POSITION

VACANCIES EXIST

IN AN X-CERTIFICATE EXERCISE

EX-SERVICEMEN EXCRETE

KEITH JOSEPH SMILES AND A BABY DIES

IN A BOX ON BEASLEY STREET

FROM THE BOARDING HOUSES AND THE BEDSITS FULL OF

...ACCIDENTS AND FLEAS

SOMEBODY GETS IT

WHERE THE MISSING PERSONS FREEZE

WEARING DEAD MEN'S OVERCOATS

YOU CAN'T SEE THEIR FEET

A RIFF JOINT SHUTS - OPENS UP

RIGHT DOWN ON BEASLEY STREET

CARS COLLIDE, COLOURS CLASH

DISASTER MOVIE STUFF

FOR A MAN WITH THE FU MANCHU MOUSTACHE

REVENGE IS NOT ENOUGH

THERE'S A DEAD CANARY ON A SWIVEL SEAT

THERE'S A RAINBOW IN THE ROAD

MEANWHILE ON BEASLEY STREET

SILENCE IS THE CODE

HOT BENEATH THE COLLAR

...AN INSPECTOR CALLS

WHERE THE PERISHING STINK OF SQUALOR

...IMPREGNATES THE WALLS

THE RATS HAVE ALL GOT RICKETS

THEY SPIT THROUGH BROKEN TEETH

THE NAME OF THE GAME IS NOT CRICKET

CAUGHT OUT ON ...BEASLEY STREET

THE HIPSTER AND HIS HIRED HAT

DRIVE A BORROWED CAR

YELLOW SOCKS AND A PINK CREVAT

NOTHING LA-DI-DAH

O-A-P

MOTHER-TO-BE

WATCH THE THREE-PIECE SUITE

WHEN SHITSTOPPER DRAINS

AND CROCODILE SKIS

ARE SEEN ON ...BEASLEY STREET

THE KINGDOM OF THE BLIND

...A ONE-EYED MAN IS KING

BEAUTY PROBLEMS ARE REDEFINED

...THE DOORBELLS DO NOT RING

A LIGHT BULB BURST LIKE A BLISTER

THE ONLY FORM OF HEAT

WHERE A FELLOW SELLS HIS SISTER

...DOWN THE RIVER ON BEASLEY STREET

THE BOYS ARE ON THE WAGON

THE GIRLS ARE ON THE SHELF

THEIR COMMON PROBLEM IS

...THAT THEY'RE NOT SOMEONE ELSE

THE DIRT BLOWS OUT

THE DUST BLOWS IN

YOU CAN'T KEEP IT NEAT

IT'S A FULLY FURNISHED DUSTBIN

...SIXTEEN BEASLEY STREET

VINCE THE AGEING SAVAGE

BETRAYS NO KIND OF LIFE

...BUT THE SMELL OF YESTERDAY'S CABBAGE

AND THE GHOST OF LAST YEAR'S WIFE

THROUGH A CONSTANT HAZE

OF DEODORANT SPRAYS

HE SAYS ...RETREAT

ALSATIANS DOG THE DIRTY DAYS

DOWN THE MIDDLE OF BEASLEY STREET

PEOPLE TURN TO POISON

QUICK AS LAGER TURNS TO PISS

SWEETHEARTS ARE PHYSICALLY SICK

EVERY TIME THEY KISS

IT'S A SOCIOLOGIST'S PARADISE

EACH DAY REPEATS

UNEASY, CHEASY, GREASY, QUEASY

...BEASTLY, BEASLEY STREET

EYES DEAD AS VICIOUS FISH

LOOK AROUND FOR LAUGHS

IF I COULD HAVE JUST ONE WISH

I WOULD BE A PHOTOGRAPH

ON A PERMANENT MONDAY MORNING

GET LOST OR FALL ASLEEP

WHEN THE YELLOW CATS ARE YAWNING

AROUND THE BACK OF BEASLEY STREET

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3 wizardwatson who agreed, says

I don't hate the french.

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8 nic who agreed, says

ALL Britons are incredibly parochial.

Especially about "the war" by which we mean The Second World War.

This is because it was an incredibly heroic thing for a nation to have done, even if it was cowardice and weakness that led us to the point where we had to do it.

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6 DeWe who hasn't voted, says

I think peoples of other nations have not readily been accepted here ever, Nic. They have been granted entry if they're prepared to do the shit jobs for low pay. Talk to any afro carribean who came here in the 50's or 60's and they'll tell you what a shit time they've had and continue to have. Joan's mother is from Grenada and she could tell you a thing or two.

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8 nic who agreed, says

But talk to any member of the populace and they'll produce a list of reasons why they've been shat upon.

None the less, we've not had *widespread* violence. Out and out and racism is pretty much frowned upon and people from ethnic minorities have

I'm not saying there aren't problems. I'm just saying that the problems aren't huge. Nothing I wouldn't expect given the circumstances.

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6 DeWe who hasn't voted, says

It may be frowned upon, but it's institutionally omnipresent.

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8 nic who agreed, says

Food: UK Food is not tasteless, despite what Morgan says. The British have a repuatation for bad food but it is largely undeserved outside of restaurants, which, like most business ventures in the UK, seem specifically designed to alienate as many customers as possible in as short a time as possible.

British dinners that are definitely not bland but may be more or less to your taste are:

- breakfast (yes, you can have breakfast for dinner) which is 2 bacon rashers, 2 pork sausages, black pudding, 2 fried eggs, fried tomatoes, fried bread.

- lancashire hotpot: a slightly spicy lamby mixture over which a layer of potato slices is laid, the whole thing being baked

- sheppards pie: a lamn mince over which mashed potato is laid

- beef and ale pie: normally served with chips

- toad in the hole: sausage wrapped in a pastry... normally covered with a spicy gravy.

The main thing here is "spicy" which can mean all sorts of things. The reputation for blandness comes from the 60s and 70s when mechanization and homogenisation of the food industry led to things like spices being taken from traditional dishes in a mistaken effort to make them more palatable.

Having said all that probably the most universally eaten British dish is curry.

Again, Morgan is wrong, this is Eatern in origin, not middle eastern. That would be kebabs and such which are also very popular among the drinking fraternity.

Some curries, for example, the Balti curry, are uniquely English having been invented in Birmingham in England by emigree Asians.

Popular British Curry dishes are:

- Chicken Madras
- Chicken Korma
- Chicken Tikka Massalla
- Chicken Vindaloo (very spicy indeed)

and for those really interested in hot food:

- Chicken Phall which is, at best, practically inedible.

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8 nic who agreed, says

Ooooh. So do I. Hotpot is even better.

We do really *great* autumn/winter food.

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8 nic who agreed, says

I know the phrase and understand it contextually... but I don't really dig it. I mean, why would you eat anything that was uncomfortable?

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6 DeWe who hasn't voted, says

Some poll (or Pole, purely through a populationary numbers game) threw up pizza and chips as the nation's favourite. (pun intended)

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6 DeWe who hasn't voted, says

Yes: it's stuff you like or have an addiction to: sugar frosted morphine rissoles, for example.

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8 nic who agreed, says

@Patrick gotcha.

@dewex erroneous I think. I've seen a ton of polls bringing curry out on top. Pizza is eaten a lot... but I don't think it's a favourite is it?

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6 DeWe who hasn't voted, says

With kids, I think.

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10 Rachel who hasn't voted, says

My Spanish teacher was originally from, I think Argentina (maybe Chile, I had multiple teachers from other countries, so I may be mixing them up) and we were taught that in Spanish what we call soccer is called futbol (I think with an accent mark over one of those vowels, but I forget which). And I think what we call football is called futbol americano maybe americana. The finer details are hard to remember across all these years. But I suepct the soccer is called soccer thing is very US-centric.

In the UK what the US call candy they call sweets, and UK desserts tend to be very sweet. As a country, the UK is very fond of sugar. And they have rhubarbs and custards, which are little boiled sugar candies with a slightly tart side and a sweet side. These are ridiculously well known within the UK and basically unheard of within the US. They're not bad.

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6 DeWe who hasn't voted, says

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8 nic who agreed, says

Rhubarb and Custard sweets are of course based on the desert Rhubarb and Custard. Rhubarb is a kind of root vegetable. When boiled in water it is very sweet and most edible. Covered in custard or warm cream it makes a fine alternative to a pudding.

@Rachel it is very non-U to call it "dessert". In my house we just say pudding. Dewex is even more U than my family so I suspect he calls it "afters".

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3 Elihu who agreed, says

We have rhubarb pie here in the US, though I'm not sure how popular it is.

"One little thing can revive a guy
And that is a piece of rhubarb pie.
Serve it up, nice and hot,
Maybe things aren't as bad as you thought."

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8 nic who agreed, says

There are dukes and earls and lords. They are real people and they still exist and they still often live in a castle.

I live 2 miles away from my local earl. He doesn't live in a castle, it's an enormous (40 rooms +) house built in the 18th century.

He is a direct descendent of the first earl tho who came over with William the Conqueror in 1066 (the start of the current British Monarchy).

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8 nic who agreed, says

There is a real place called Nottingham and there is a real Sherwood Forest just outside Nottingham.

There was a real King called King John although he wasn't really a King because he only ruled in place of his brother Richard who was off fighting in the Crusades against Salladin's Saracens.

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10 Rachel who hasn't voted, says

Oooh, the rhubarb and custard afters sounds tasty. I'd like some of that. I love custard. And the rhubarb and custard boiled sweets I had brought back for me from England are reasonably tasty, but the dish it's based on sounds better.

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8 nic who agreed, says

It's lovely. When the rhubarb is really quite sharp is when it's best.

I'm not a fan of custard myself because of my mother. The joke "Oh dear. Adam's had all the custard" might have been invented for her.

My wife on the other hand makes very good custard... but I still can't really stomach it and have no interest in making it myself.

But warm cream is just as good.

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3 Elihu who agreed, says

@TheHeadlessThompsonGunner: In the article you link to, they were using something from the roots of rhubarb rather than the stalks, which is what you would normally eat. (The leaves are toxic.) It's interesting, though, that rhubarb may have other uses.

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8 nic who agreed, says

Gardening is a popular past time in the UK. People from different classes usually pracice different kinds of gardening